Fistful of Folly: Door Holding Etiquette

I work in an office park, which means there's an awful lot of foot traffic right before 9 and right after 5. To get to my office, I have to pass through four sets of doors. There's an unspoken Door-Holding Etiquette that even the most unsophisticated living creature can and should follow: If someone is immediately behind you, you hold the door for them.

Granted, maybe I'm guilty of being too generous of a door holder. If I happen to make eye contact as I gander back at the person's distance behind me, I always feel obligated to hold the door. This inevitably leads to people doing a half walk, half run like they are squeezing their asscheeks to make it to the bathroom before an accident of epic proportion occurs; a slightly awkward and preventable encounter had I just kept walking.

That being said, I cannot tell you how many times the person walking only five feet in front of me has let all four doors slam right in my face. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt on the first door, but you clearly heard my footsteps RIGHT. BEHIND. YOU. at some point before you reached the next three doors. Okay, maybe you are deaf. But you must be able to catch the image of a person in one of the four mirror-like, clear doors you pass through. I know you're no Helen Keller. I don't expect much from people, but fruit flies have better manners.

The door slam happens so often that I overcompensate when people do hold the door. I exaggerate my "Thank you sooooooo much!" and this look of bewilderment comes over my face as if Willy Wonka himself just handed me the keys to the chocolate factory.

I'm generally a patient individual, but I am slowly but surely losing my patience with Door Slammers. I've devolved from letting it go, to huffing and puffing, and to most recently letting out an irritated "really?!".

I imagine that one day I will be pissed off about a million other disturbances, and the door slam to the face will be the incident that sets me off. I will sprint up ahead of Asshole to beat him to the next door. Ideally, said Asshole will be struggling to carry an awkward box overfilled with small objects. And that is when I will let myself through the door and hold it shut, and as Asshole struggles with his box, I will stare at him with a wild, psychotic smile a la Jack Nicholson in The Shining.